Little pond, big fish...

I have two things on which I wish to unburden myself just now. The foremost being that I am regretting somewhat the impulsiveness of youth in my substantial purchase of this iPad. No, it is not that I do not find it useful or entertaining, rather the opposite. I am finding it too entertaining. There is always some video to watch or something to play or hear, but I have not finished a single book since it's arrival. It's as if now I find too much to do and none of which go along with the intended purpose of reading. Poor Literati and Sony Ps 300, to be so sadly discarded to one so unfaithful to the written word as this. My lacking in funds also does not help turn tide of my opinion.

The latter of my complaints, lies in the chewing of thought over a particular man. The more I read Glaskell's Thornton, the more I find parallels w Mr G, in my life.

I find myself allowing him simple comforts and acts of intimacy that I scantly award anyone but my close relations. The way, for example, that I let him hug me with a lingering hand at my waist and inhale his scent. There is too, most worryingly and at the same time comforting, the way he takes such liberties with my hair as to twine it round a finger or slip it behind an ear, the same ear, the lobe of which, he then caresses and tugs affectionately. I have seen something in his eyes and I can recognize it only because I can share in it, but we have tried going down this road and failed. My bruised and battered little heart is still not up to snuff. In him I do not see good times and nice dates the way I do with the other men who's offers and attentions I take. In him I see permanence. I am not sure I want that. And im not sure i want that with him. No, that's not true, I doI want that, I'm just not sure I'm ready for it. I don't think I could bear it if everything goes to pot, either.

I take a step back and wonder how would i advise myself? If it was another's life and they sought my counsel, I would say that to wager nothing when the stakes are high, is also to keep what is in your your pocket...and nothing more. I would probably tell myself to venture and gamble on happiness, or to risk a stagnancy in life, in love, in everything. How hypocritical of me. Because in my heart of hearts I am a coward and comfortable in the status quo, no matter how miserable I am. I will turn it over in my head some more but doubt I will give Mr G a chance. And if that is the case, then I don't deserve him and I am doing us both a favor.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad