It doesn't help I suppose that I upset my BD. I was such a bitch. I invited him to dinner and he said he already had plans for sat but he suggested sunday and In my typical waspish fashion, I said no thanks, I forgot how I had to schedule w him a week in advanced. Now he's not talking to me. Grr. I asked for it.
Sunday, February 21
I woke up again and its like the 7th day straight that I wake up after dreaming about H. I wonder how long this is going to take and when I'm going to stop. I don't remember the details, I never do, all I know is that I wake up feeling sad. After two years I didn't think I would be missing him so much.
Saturday, February 20
I think its getting worse. Today at work I felt the tears well up. I was this close to bawling. I am so glad that I have that doctors appointment for weds. **mega sigh**
I started crying on the way home and as soon as I got into my room I wanted to put on pajamas, crawl under the covers and just sleep.
Everyone has a bad day, but these bad days keep piling up. I can feel the apathy slowly trudge its way all over my body. I keep thinking of the cutting. I want to spend all day in bed. I hate this feeling.
Friday, February 19
Here I am at a crossroads in my life with major decisions needing to be made and I cant seem to take off the jammies and find the will to do anything but continue to sit here and drink tea as I watch Will & Grace.
VDay just passed and it broke my heart this year. Nothing from no one except for a revelation from God that knocked me on my ass. I'm still in love with the H.
God does this suck. It's been two years now since our disasterous break up and I would have sworn I was over it. Really, I was. I was happier without him. I don't need him. He drank too much, he used to get violent, he was crude and rude and had no education or prospects.....
and I Love him. And not that puppy high school or sad pity no one is going to love me again kind of love, but REAL LOVE. Like, I don't think I will ever feel as much for anyone ever again. It hurts. a lot. It's that vacant feeling in my chest. That horrible pang that literaly feels like a clenching hand on my heart.
I came to this realization while watching In The Valley of The Wolves on pbs. (btw, a great documentary following the largest pack of wolves in the American northwest, the Druids, for a span of 3 years.) NEways, a new pack takes over and is lording over the coyotes and kills the male coyote. It actually made me cry. Coyotes mate for life. The female coyote was howling so sad because she lost her mate. It made me start thinking about my own feelings and I came to the conclusion that he was my mate.
I would never ever in a million years have picked him for myself. He's boorish and a bastard and he MADE ME CRY! In front of others, like a three year old, he made me cry. It was horrible. I didn't think love would be so painful.
I remember one time while we were having the discussion of our family members having the same names and how weird it was. My name being the same as his sisters, his younger sister's name the same as my mom, his name the same as my uncle.... I remember him saying that we must have known each other in a past life. We spent a few minutes talking about how people must be switched around and in our past lives were siblings or a married couple and we laughed hoping not parent and child..eeewww! He kept caressing my hand, never quite holding it, because we only held hands once, but like he couldn't not touch it.
Those are the memories I treasure. I know he was the biggest ass ever, but he was also sweet and wonderful and I STILL love him.
I can't forgive him and I don't trust him and I don't see us getting back together (and oh yeah, he doesn't love me) so I think I was better off without the realization. Ignorance is bliss.
now I am stuck loving a guy I hate, knowing I love him and its the worst thing ever. My heart hurts like we broke up all over again.
I'm going back to Will & Grace now.
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