So been hanging out at the guys house more and more. The Hips thing still kinda bugs me every now and then (like the fact that BBK has yet to retire in her own abode) but what is bugging me the most right now is how Nibs seems to be incredibly uncomfortable around me.
Back when we worked together, we used tohave a very easygoing kind of friendship. We used to relate just fine. Heck, even after the whole, I-like-you-you-dont-like-me fiasco thing. That tale, probably deserves its own blog, BTW!!!
I will give a quick surmise. I really REALLY had it bad for him. I don't know why or how it happened, but I had never been so in tune or attracted to someone as I was with him. I thought he liked me too. I was almost sure of it. I did, what i had never done before, I told him.
Arg, it was so frustrating. I was so mad and upset because i didn't even realize when it happened. All I knew, was that apparantly, overnight, I was butt crazy head over-heels for him and that pissed me off to no end.
I ended up getting so fed up I had to tell, if only to get it off my chest. To my gtear annoyance, his answer was "Thanks, but no thanks"
mega ouchie. I had never done anything like that before and it took all the courage I could muster and wam. againt fail.
anyway...
Thursday, March 12
Saturday, February 7
Hormones and thoughts...
Have you ever laughed? Have you ever smiled and enjoyed? You know that true happiness and shine that makes your eyes sparkle?
I was sitting here watching Cold Case and there was Tinkerbelle, A flamboyant drag queen. He was an older man, ol' timmer. Nice salt and pepper hair and crease lines on his weathered face. And he ws smiling. He was sitting there telling people he was beat up for being who he was and he was smiling with his eyes.
He said that he was going to be a cheerleader for a team baseball team and his happiness made even cynical homicide cops get that deep down happiness that you loose when you stop being a child.
It makes me wonder if as a race, we hate others who have what we can't. I wonder if we hate because others, who we think have it worse and should have it worse, are happier with themselves and with life in general and it makes us subconsiously angry, because we feel like failures. failures at life.
Isn't that the saddest thing you ever heard? That we would envy someone for not having it more difficult than us. Just because in our hypocritical minds we think they SHOULD have it worse. Isn't it just like human nature to hate someone for being happy when we aren't?
I really don't think its conscious. If most people knew what they were doing and why, I think they would be disgusted with themselves, because they are good people. Call me romantic, but i've said it before and will say it again: Tabula Rasa.
No, i think it's one of those hidden demons we all keep silent and pretend doesn't exist. until it does.
I was sitting here watching Cold Case and there was Tinkerbelle, A flamboyant drag queen. He was an older man, ol' timmer. Nice salt and pepper hair and crease lines on his weathered face. And he ws smiling. He was sitting there telling people he was beat up for being who he was and he was smiling with his eyes.
He said that he was going to be a cheerleader for a team baseball team and his happiness made even cynical homicide cops get that deep down happiness that you loose when you stop being a child.
It makes me wonder if as a race, we hate others who have what we can't. I wonder if we hate because others, who we think have it worse and should have it worse, are happier with themselves and with life in general and it makes us subconsiously angry, because we feel like failures. failures at life.
Isn't that the saddest thing you ever heard? That we would envy someone for not having it more difficult than us. Just because in our hypocritical minds we think they SHOULD have it worse. Isn't it just like human nature to hate someone for being happy when we aren't?
I really don't think its conscious. If most people knew what they were doing and why, I think they would be disgusted with themselves, because they are good people. Call me romantic, but i've said it before and will say it again: Tabula Rasa.
No, i think it's one of those hidden demons we all keep silent and pretend doesn't exist. until it does.
Monday, January 26
Thoughts
I've been turning the whole relationship thing over in my mind and still don't really have anything figured out. I swear, the more I know of the world, the less I understand it. Its almost comical. I used to wonder why social sciences intruiged me so. I've always been one with an avid curiosity, but sociology and psychology, these worlds facinated me and I couldn't really understand why.
Now, after much reflection and aimless thought, i think in my own unconcious way i was trying to prepare myself. As an "A" type control freak, I need to be prepared. In my own akward weird way, I was trying to glean as much information as possible so that when real life hit, it would be a cake walk.
I think real life is hitting, and it is anything but. I've read about love and loss, about heartaches and breaks, friendships, coming of age things, relationships, jobs, money education careers, choices....you name it, I've probably come across it in print at one point or another. I should be prepared.
Its like those people that read those "worst case scenario" books. I just want to know that I can think on the fly and have an out.
Real life is hard. All my studying and reading comes to no fruition at all. I am as lost as if I myself were a character in a book and have no idea what I am doing. At least I can admit it.
My love life is a disaster, my social life is complicated, I like my job, but my economic scene is a mess. I think Im going to stick to the books I love so much. Those tomes to which I so desperately cleave have better things happening than what actually is.
In conclusion, I don't know anything....I try and end up understanding less and no matter how much I try, my grip keeps slackening and Im going to leave this world the same way in which I came in. Tabula Rasa.
Now, after much reflection and aimless thought, i think in my own unconcious way i was trying to prepare myself. As an "A" type control freak, I need to be prepared. In my own akward weird way, I was trying to glean as much information as possible so that when real life hit, it would be a cake walk.
I think real life is hitting, and it is anything but. I've read about love and loss, about heartaches and breaks, friendships, coming of age things, relationships, jobs, money education careers, choices....you name it, I've probably come across it in print at one point or another. I should be prepared.
Its like those people that read those "worst case scenario" books. I just want to know that I can think on the fly and have an out.
Real life is hard. All my studying and reading comes to no fruition at all. I am as lost as if I myself were a character in a book and have no idea what I am doing. At least I can admit it.
My love life is a disaster, my social life is complicated, I like my job, but my economic scene is a mess. I think Im going to stick to the books I love so much. Those tomes to which I so desperately cleave have better things happening than what actually is.
In conclusion, I don't know anything....I try and end up understanding less and no matter how much I try, my grip keeps slackening and Im going to leave this world the same way in which I came in. Tabula Rasa.
Monday, January 12
I miss Lateral Gravity Syndrome
Classes started up again. I think I can do the whole 21 units and 25hr week job, social life, friends, and gym kinda okay, but you throw in the whole I-have-to-drive-Umy-to-wrk-at-LAX EVERY morning at 6am from mon to fri, and Im starting to wonder if I might have over-done it.
This is why you should never do anything important when you are emotionally distraught! (which, BTW, I very definately was). I've been going through a sick and twisted break up that is extending WAY longer than it has any right to. We have been breaking up for something like 10 months. I know. Believe me, I know!...Its complicated.
NEways. I was going to be a HORRIBLE b*tch and screw him over, but my conscience kicked in. stupid conscience.
I have to explain the nature of our stupid relationship. We are more alike than we want to admit. We are both passionate and stubborn and creatures of extremes. We either Love u/Hate u/or are indifferent. Because we were together and we got attached and then hurt, although we are TRYING to reach indifferent...we usually are stuck in Love u or Hate u mode. Not healthy.
i might get into details about the Hobbit and i later. For now, we weren't on speaking terms. Since the whole new Years thing! (he told Poodle something he SWORE to me he wouldn't) Of course I blame myself as well. I was stupid enough to trust him (The fact that he um....oh yeah, CHEATED on me was forgotten, I guess) When I say we weren't good, I mean we were BAD. We get to the point where we ignore each others existance, can't stand to be in the same room w each other, and out of sheer spite try to hurt each other by being petty and stupid.
The point is that we were ignoring each other for almost two weeks (he did make the Bear cry!) and out of the Blue texts me last night, as follows:
This is why you should never do anything important when you are emotionally distraught! (which, BTW, I very definately was). I've been going through a sick and twisted break up that is extending WAY longer than it has any right to. We have been breaking up for something like 10 months. I know. Believe me, I know!...Its complicated.
NEways. I was going to be a HORRIBLE b*tch and screw him over, but my conscience kicked in. stupid conscience.
I have to explain the nature of our stupid relationship. We are more alike than we want to admit. We are both passionate and stubborn and creatures of extremes. We either Love u/Hate u/or are indifferent. Because we were together and we got attached and then hurt, although we are TRYING to reach indifferent...we usually are stuck in Love u or Hate u mode. Not healthy.
i might get into details about the Hobbit and i later. For now, we weren't on speaking terms. Since the whole new Years thing! (he told Poodle something he SWORE to me he wouldn't) Of course I blame myself as well. I was stupid enough to trust him (The fact that he um....oh yeah, CHEATED on me was forgotten, I guess) When I say we weren't good, I mean we were BAD. We get to the point where we ignore each others existance, can't stand to be in the same room w each other, and out of sheer spite try to hurt each other by being petty and stupid.
The point is that we were ignoring each other for almost two weeks (he did make the Bear cry!) and out of the Blue texts me last night, as follows:
I need my copy of Fight Club back, please
Its very important to me and I would appreciate it
if you took it to work with you the next time u go.
When I read it...(after I saw that the sender was Hobbit Boy) I couldn't help but laugh! See, what had happened was.....
A long, long, time ago (longer now than it seemed then), Hobbit lent me his favorite book of all time. its an autographed copy of Fight Club. He really wanted me to read it. This is when we were still dating, of course. I had borrowed books from him before and it was no big deal. In fact, it was kind of sweet that he wanted to share something so special to him with me. I started reading it, but never found the time to finish it. I like the movie, but Chuck Whats-his-face, the author, has a very distinct flavor that I didn't particularly warm to. To this day, I don't understand why he loves him so much.
NEways, I would spend so much time with him, Happy feet and the Flea, I never really even had time to read the book. (this was when I practically lived with them) Happy Feet would always tell me he was going to start charging me rent. LOL!
TBC.....Little Bear just got home. She told me she broke her bed! this i have to go see. Oh, and we have to quick status clean her room cuz the hippie is stopping by after work to fix our network smthng-or-other.
Sunday, January 11
I need to MOVE...
I want to die....slowly and painfully. Turns out BBKitty was not being a horrible b*tch teasing me about last night. I GAVE HIM A LAP DANCE!! WTF! I want to die. I just want to die.
how am I ever going to be able to look him in the face ever again. no wonder he was being all wierd. Oh man.
Member the vegas thing with four girls and one Kirk?! I felt wierd and akward the next morning, but it was no big deal. This. Is. Killing. Me. I am never going to be able to get over this.
Why did no one smack me upside the head. I was fine in my ignorance. Bliss. now I will forever be that slutty heifer who GAVE HIM A LAP DANCE.
why, oh why cant the earth just open up and swallow me whole.
so...after wanting ti DIE and crying, just a little bit from histericks, i find out its a joke. bastards.
how am I ever going to be able to look him in the face ever again. no wonder he was being all wierd. Oh man.
Member the vegas thing with four girls and one Kirk?! I felt wierd and akward the next morning, but it was no big deal. This. Is. Killing. Me. I am never going to be able to get over this.
Why did no one smack me upside the head. I was fine in my ignorance. Bliss. now I will forever be that slutty heifer who GAVE HIM A LAP DANCE.
why, oh why cant the earth just open up and swallow me whole.
so...after wanting ti DIE and crying, just a little bit from histericks, i find out its a joke. bastards.
Can't Party like i used to....
so yesterday was a certain someones Birthday (The big 2-5) and I might have overdone it with the "jungle juice." Boo Boo Kitty swears that i was more than a little drunk and did something to emberrass both myself and Hippie-chan. I highly doubt that because I can kinda member some stuff. Dont get me wrong, I totally made an ass of myself....what with the salsa sashaying and the lap dance I gave My Drinking Buddy G, but she says i did something bad, its a good thing I don't remember, and that if Hippie-chan is avoiding eye contact it must be for a reason.
I think BBKitty needs to tell me what I did because although I doubt anything happened, she's being a total heifer and doesn't want to tell me cuz I wont go work later.
Speaking of work... I was out for the night. I don't even think I had a chance to dream. NE ways, there I am blissfully ignorant of the world around me wrapped in warm blankets and in La-La Land when a very loud, very annoying call of my name wakes me suddenly. LOL! I was so asleep i didn't hear or feel my phone go off. BBKitty came to pick me up for our 7AM meeting and was outside my window bellowing. It was so funny! Think Romeo & Juliet status, what with my room being on the second floor and my window overlooking out front.
I stumble out of bed and damn near trip over the clothes, make up and other random stuff I was too drunk to put away last night that ended up in a pile between my bed and the window. I open the curtain, and there she is bold as brass and yelling about the meeting. I rub the sleep out of my eyes and give her the finger (don't be dirty) the Give-me-a-minute finger. Thank god I had the forsight to leave my stuff ready before partying last night. I quickly put on my uniform (as quick as I can with stupid tights, white collar button up and a stupid tie), I run to the Powder room and wash my face, brush the teeth, and wet the bangs as I try and tame the mane by pulling it back with a headband turned scrunchii (it was an emergency). We were only 5 minutes late! Yayness! ...don't judge me. If not for BBKitty, i would prob still be sleeping. In any case, i felt crappier than I looked and believe me, it was not a pretty picture!
the meeting was boring as heck. Same old boring bla bla bla. I didn't pay any attention. JJ said I smelled like booze. Q kept tapping me to wake up. Oh, ya know what made it even more special? We had our picture taken because they are going to blow it up and hang it at the retarded district office. Perfect. I tried to shrink into the melee of bodies as much as possible. Easily accomplished on account of the height...or lack thereof. Then King Tamake and BBKitty wanted breakfast so we went to the INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF SALADS. Blah! The only place i wanted to go, was home. Suffice it to say the smokehouse platter I had tasted better going down than it did coming back up. Eeeewwww!
I should get some sleep. I never recovered from the 3 hr nap i took the night b4 party night when Hippie-chan took Little Bear, BBkitty and me to Denny's. He was picking on me all nite! He told me to shut up, that I talk too much, that we don't put out, ummm....what else...oh yeah, I suck. The girls were having a blast. I was in the brooding corner all nite. I was growing mushrooms. We only left cuz i realized it was well past 3AM. Boo! I had to open the next day. no sleep for me. NE ways, as we pull into the drive way, Little Bear (still cracking up) says "Man, and I wasn't gonna go!" I think I wanna grow more mushrooms. (T_T)
I think BBKitty needs to tell me what I did because although I doubt anything happened, she's being a total heifer and doesn't want to tell me cuz I wont go work later.
Speaking of work... I was out for the night. I don't even think I had a chance to dream. NE ways, there I am blissfully ignorant of the world around me wrapped in warm blankets and in La-La Land when a very loud, very annoying call of my name wakes me suddenly. LOL! I was so asleep i didn't hear or feel my phone go off. BBKitty came to pick me up for our 7AM meeting and was outside my window bellowing. It was so funny! Think Romeo & Juliet status, what with my room being on the second floor and my window overlooking out front.
I stumble out of bed and damn near trip over the clothes, make up and other random stuff I was too drunk to put away last night that ended up in a pile between my bed and the window. I open the curtain, and there she is bold as brass and yelling about the meeting. I rub the sleep out of my eyes and give her the finger (don't be dirty) the Give-me-a-minute finger. Thank god I had the forsight to leave my stuff ready before partying last night. I quickly put on my uniform (as quick as I can with stupid tights, white collar button up and a stupid tie), I run to the Powder room and wash my face, brush the teeth, and wet the bangs as I try and tame the mane by pulling it back with a headband turned scrunchii (it was an emergency). We were only 5 minutes late! Yayness! ...don't judge me. If not for BBKitty, i would prob still be sleeping. In any case, i felt crappier than I looked and believe me, it was not a pretty picture!
the meeting was boring as heck. Same old boring bla bla bla. I didn't pay any attention. JJ said I smelled like booze. Q kept tapping me to wake up. Oh, ya know what made it even more special? We had our picture taken because they are going to blow it up and hang it at the retarded district office. Perfect. I tried to shrink into the melee of bodies as much as possible. Easily accomplished on account of the height...or lack thereof. Then King Tamake and BBKitty wanted breakfast so we went to the INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF SALADS. Blah! The only place i wanted to go, was home. Suffice it to say the smokehouse platter I had tasted better going down than it did coming back up. Eeeewwww!
I should get some sleep. I never recovered from the 3 hr nap i took the night b4 party night when Hippie-chan took Little Bear, BBkitty and me to Denny's. He was picking on me all nite! He told me to shut up, that I talk too much, that we don't put out, ummm....what else...oh yeah, I suck. The girls were having a blast. I was in the brooding corner all nite. I was growing mushrooms. We only left cuz i realized it was well past 3AM. Boo! I had to open the next day. no sleep for me. NE ways, as we pull into the drive way, Little Bear (still cracking up) says "Man, and I wasn't gonna go!" I think I wanna grow more mushrooms. (T_T)
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