Musings :)

It struck me today on the dance floor of Tigerheat. As I wiped the soggy hair off my sweaty face with the hand not holding my cute but painful high heels. Bodies grunting and grinding to the beat. We are all individual, yet we are all the same. We are the same entity pumping to the beat, all of us looking for a few hours oblivion or distraction to songs we sing into invisible mikes.......and this is happiness.

I'm pulling down my skirt before I flash someone, my feet are killing me, my shoes are poking people in the head, and yet this is the happiest I've been in a long time. Just me and my friends swaying back and forth to songs I don't even know half the time.

I hope to be pretty old. A funny old biddy who says inappropriate things and gets away w it cuz she's old. Lol! But if I don't, I know that these moments of sweat and alcohol are going to be moments that flash before my eyes about happiness.

I love that we are there for each other. The guys hating on the goober, feeling my shame and embarrassment. Us feeling for my baby daddy and trying to mitigate the pain of losing someone he loved so much, and us sharing in Milti's foibles and adventures because even after all the shit we talk, we only wish we were half as brave as him, putting ourselves out there so freely and with such abandonment.

Then there is SL, my boo. Who FINALLY got his man. And SC who is the cutest little butchy lesbian you'll ever meet, and of course, APT, who is as gay as x-mas but will come out when he is good and ready.

Whatever our problems, however different they are, for at least a few hours of groping and sweating, we are everything and nothing to each other before heading back into the real world that's full of expectations and disappointments. For a few hours, at least we really are super stars and sexy models sashaying our hips and breathing on each other smelling of booze and cigarettes. And I repeat, happiest nights ever :)


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FML again!!! I'm at avalon dancing in my cute Baker shoes that FUKKIN HURT!!! But I refuse to take them off!!! I look good


- (=^_^=) meow

Am I overthinking things? They say to just need to be myself. Be myself? How can I do that when I don't know who I am.

Douche bag MR G!!!


- (=^_^=) meow

So here is the dealio. I toed the line and put myself out there AGAIN and got slapped in the face. Apparently the girl I thought was the cool friendly one, was a FREINDEMY. wtf? I've never had one of those.

IDK how I feel. I think I need to process. I need my baby daddy or my girls to help me sort out what I feel. I'm not crushed like I was w the H. I'm not sad like I was w J...I'm kinda relieved, but my ego also feels kinda insulted. I can't wait to pour this night over w my Baby Daddy and see what he makes of it cuz right now I'm too buzzed to make heads or tails of it.

The FREINDEMY thing ticks me off the most. Y she acting like my bestie and then text him to come over soon as my back is turned? Dude! Not cool. Boys are like buses...new one here in 15 min, but girls are supposed to signify solidarity. I think that ticks me off more than anything.. Well, Mr G, I can honestly say, hand on my heart, that I ave it a try. Shit didn't work out. Time to move on too the next one.

I miss J.

I gotta talk to the boss man KJ and tell him wha ha happened. Last post of the night. I swear it. Goodnight!

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Location:Bed

Definitely an FML situation. I'm really drunk and it's unfair, but I need him to decide even though I won't. I'm such a mess. Idk what I want.

He makes makes kinda happy. I like being w him and the physical proximity was great, but if neither of us knows what we want, what the HELl are we doing? FML. fML. FML. fML.

When did my llufe get so complicated? I need my girls.. Or my baby daddy to help sort it out. FML.
- (=^_^=) meow

Fml. I's drunk. Idk what that means in terms of me and mr. G. I'm drunk enough to not care.....but I can't turn off my brain. Shit!!!!!!!! Has anyone ever been in my shoes? I feel every girl everywhere has been where I'm at. U don't know where u stand, but ur drunk enough u don't care. I guess tomorrow's update might be better. More informative at least.


- (=^_^=) meow

Location:S Grand Ave,Los Angeles,United States

Words of advice...

The words of advice as given by a Lovely Complex....

"if u meet someone and fall in love, and if loving that person makes you hate yourself, they are not ur destiny"

Hahaha. Too true


- (=^_^=) meow

Needing proof...

If u love me. If u really love me, you will find a way to prove it to me. I won't tell u how, I won't even guess at it. I don't want things and I don't want u doing what u don't want, but I want u to prove it to me. Prove me wrong.

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Arranged, Wow what a friend...

So she goes out of the way to take a picture of this guy I like.

This is a guy I don't know, but we looked into each others eyes and something sparked.

We kept stealing glances at each other, but we were both too shy to even talk about each other, much less TO each other.

Then my friend, my darling friend, seeing our predicament, grabs a pen and paper and pretends to be a JOURNALIST and find out everything about him possible.

Mr Horowitz is finishing up a computer engineering degree, single and an orthodox Jew. He is 6'2" with blue eyes and a shy smile.

I love friends =o)

=) I don't even know what to say right now


- (=^_^=) meow

I don't want Poison Apples....

I should like very much to be spared the poison apple that is Love. What small taste I've had of it left a bitter taste in my mouth.

After several attempts throughout the years to read Wuthering Heights, I am finally making myself finish it. And I both love it and hate it at the same time. I cannot get through the pages without drawing parallels to my own life. I am passionate enough that I would do exactly the same things. I am selfish enough that I would make the same mistakes. And I am coward enough that I would likewise seal my own fate in death. How miserable am I? miserable enough for having had my own Heathcliff.

And we loved passionately. And we tore each other apart. And we exacted revenge and inflicted even worse damage on ourselves. And yet I'm still standing. Sad, bitter, and scared of ever putting myself in that position again, but I'm still standing, and that in itself is a big accomplishment. I suppose...


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The hardest thing I've ever done...

I get home from work and turn on the tube. They are running a Deadliest Catch marathon. And it happens to be EXACTLY on the episode when Phil Harris dies and they bury him.

That in itself is sad, but last time I saw this episode, when they ran in on it's original air date I was upset. The person who comforted me was Herb. And in early Feb Herb died.

I'm trying not to break down and cry, but it's so dang hard. Who is going to comfort me now when I am sad and upset about Herb's death? Life is the hardest thing I've ever done.


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Laughing moons and getting old

So I got out pretty late and one of my co-workers was supposed to get picked up by her irresponsible sister. As expected, being an irresponsible sister, she didn't show and turns out was on her way to Anaheim instead of Compton and couldn't find her way back. Being the kick ass kind of person I am, I told my co-worker to send said sister back home and I would drop her off. The ride was pleasant and we shared our frustrations and I dropped her off safe and sound in maybe 20 mins, easy peasy.

Then I had to make my way home. Luckily, my coworker lives only 15 mins or so from my house, pretty close to major cross streets (Atlantic/Rosecrans.) Normally, this wouldn't b a problem, but it's 11pm and I forgot that I couldn't find my glasses before work. So the I was. Alone. Late. And I couldn't for the life of me make out any stupid roadsigns.

Now before you go all 911 on me, I have to point out that I'm not THAT blind. I wasn't going to accidentally go off-roading or hitting cars, but lights all look fuzzy and I can't read street names until I am close enough to pass them.

The only think my unfortunate eyes could make out was the sliver of moon, the small crescent that looks like the lopsided Cheshire Cat grin.

So there I was. Cold, lost, alone...and being mocked by the moon. Stupid moon. What do u know?

Enough to laugh at me for being a dork for forgetting my glasses is my guess. First thing imma do when i get into my room is look for those stupid specs. I hadn't realized how dependent I was on them. I hate getting old.

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Happiness (after North&South)

You know that feel good feeling? When you ur head is all full and you feel like you are brimming on the inside that you might slosh over with happiness, like some sort of liquid that might start to leak at any moment?

That's how I feel right now. No, nothing amazing has happened in my life, in fact, quite the opposite. Whole lotta same ol same ol. But when I read a good book that really gets me emotionally invested, where I'm biting my nails, sighing and clenching my teeth to find out what happens, and then it has a happy ending...that's when I get this feeling.

I like to think that I'm not cynical, but realistically, I am. I'm pretty jaded sometimes and disappointed, but knowing that good stuff can happen and people can get happy. That they can get everything they want, even if it is in fiction, makes my heart a little lighter.

It won't last, I can already feel the cloud lifting and the seratonin clearing. Like any other drug, happiness is a much craved high that last a very short time and I'm like a fiend looking for another hit, just one more time of escape and contentment.

It's a good thing I don't do drugs, I'm just saying.

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Food...yum

In was just thinking how the other day I had the strongest taste of garlic bread in my mouth. I was at work being a crazy busy bee, and out of nowhere...BAM! Taste explosion!

I could feel the heat and bursts of garlic salt and butter along my tongue. It was so real and tangible. I smelled it when I shut my mouth and inhaled.

Left me craving Garlic Bread for DAYS.


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Location:California Ave,Lynwood,United States

Little pond, big fish...

I have two things on which I wish to unburden myself just now. The foremost being that I am regretting somewhat the impulsiveness of youth in my substantial purchase of this iPad. No, it is not that I do not find it useful or entertaining, rather the opposite. I am finding it too entertaining. There is always some video to watch or something to play or hear, but I have not finished a single book since it's arrival. It's as if now I find too much to do and none of which go along with the intended purpose of reading. Poor Literati and Sony Ps 300, to be so sadly discarded to one so unfaithful to the written word as this. My lacking in funds also does not help turn tide of my opinion.

The latter of my complaints, lies in the chewing of thought over a particular man. The more I read Glaskell's Thornton, the more I find parallels w Mr G, in my life.

I find myself allowing him simple comforts and acts of intimacy that I scantly award anyone but my close relations. The way, for example, that I let him hug me with a lingering hand at my waist and inhale his scent. There is too, most worryingly and at the same time comforting, the way he takes such liberties with my hair as to twine it round a finger or slip it behind an ear, the same ear, the lobe of which, he then caresses and tugs affectionately. I have seen something in his eyes and I can recognize it only because I can share in it, but we have tried going down this road and failed. My bruised and battered little heart is still not up to snuff. In him I do not see good times and nice dates the way I do with the other men who's offers and attentions I take. In him I see permanence. I am not sure I want that. And im not sure i want that with him. No, that's not true, I doI want that, I'm just not sure I'm ready for it. I don't think I could bear it if everything goes to pot, either.

I take a step back and wonder how would i advise myself? If it was another's life and they sought my counsel, I would say that to wager nothing when the stakes are high, is also to keep what is in your your pocket...and nothing more. I would probably tell myself to venture and gamble on happiness, or to risk a stagnancy in life, in love, in everything. How hypocritical of me. Because in my heart of hearts I am a coward and comfortable in the status quo, no matter how miserable I am. I will turn it over in my head some more but doubt I will give Mr G a chance. And if that is the case, then I don't deserve him and I am doing us both a favor.


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