So I'm at a small jewlery store busting a "gift of the Magi" selling my jewels.....hurts, but not as much as I thought


- (=^_^=) meow

Location:California 107,Torrance,United States

It's Like Jehovah Witnesses are at the door...

I am SO anti-social right now:

Right, so its sunday morning (afternoon) and alls I want is to lounge in my pj's w wild hair and my dogs piled around me watching BBC. Y then do people find the need to drop by un-announced? Gay! We have to make a mad dash to pretend to clean, I gotta hide in my room or gussie up and go chit chat about things I couldn't care less about....

being in a foul mood from having my Top Gear marathon interrupted, I chose the latter....lol! I sit here in my dark room with the tv off so no one knows Im home typing away, waiting with baited breath for people to leave. GAY!

I ignored the soft knock someone gave my door and am hearing them laugh downstairs, but Im stubborn and refuse to put on some jeans and play nice. Im bored. Going to roll over and go back to sleep. DOUBLE GAY

Damn things not being fast enough for me!!

darn it all and back again! So you know how I'm horribly compulsive and obsessive about things. Well surprise surprise....i've found something else Im totally obsessive about. Now it's the BBC's Top Gear and its presenters. My happy obsession is made even more absurd because instead of downloading all 19-odd seasons (as I was wont to do) I found out that Netflix streams seasons 9 and up. And get this....I can netflix on my netbook, on the desktop hooked up to the 60" downstairs, AND it streams straight to my iphone. I can more than feed my Top Gear Petrol Head habit.

My psychosis runs much farther than brain rot from show overload, I've gone as far as Wiki-ing the host and knowing all kinds of details of their lives and learning about cars. yup....wipe ur glasses, u read right....Im trying to learn about cars. Just the other day I was having the biggest headache of all time because I was trying to understand Overrdrive and gears. It has all of a sudden become my life mission to learn to drive a stick shift!!

I want nothing more than to save up a couple of hundred dollars, to buy myself a shitty little car that I can abuse and experiment on doing all kinds of things like drifting, donuts, and just plain old breaking the Hell out of the transmission. I am truly a woman obsessed. The question is: For how long? That, unfortunately, I don't know the answer to. I was obsessed with Ouran for a cool minute....like 2 and a half years....and I still pop the DVD's in or stream it via Netflix every now and then, just cuz I can, but its certainly not as bad as it was when I first discovered the awesomeness of it.

The thing is, Im doing my best to KEEP feeding this addiction......Jeremy Clarkson, James May, Richard Hammond, and even Ben Collins (The Stig) have written books! And I am dying to read them.....therein lies my problem..

So its hard enough to find the stupid books (especially Stiggy's book...Im dying for that one since it just came out), but when I do, shipping takes 2-4 MONTHS just to leave the warehouse in the UK. crap it all to heck and back again!  Naturally, I turn to my good friends who let me "borrow" things via torrent community, and I can't find any of the books at all! Grrrr! I resort to Kindle and ebook formats, for as much as it pains me to do so to BUY the stupid books, so long as I get them instant (for my instant gratification and all) and then I find out that due to stoopid copyright restrictions, some of them (especially STIGGY'S) cannot be gotten in the US. WTF!!

Needless to say...my wallet thank you stupid copyright laws (nonsensical too), but my heart and head would punch you in the face if you were a person. I'm just saying...

Broken heart for my baby

Yesterday I felt the worst pain I've ever felt in my whole life.

Someone came to my home and stole my Diablito, my baby. He was four years old and always had that stupid vacant face dogs get but he also had that adorable wolfie grin like he was always laughing.

Who comes into a home and steals a beloved pet? Who does that? What kind of evil human being breaks a families heart like that? I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I want to rant and rage and just stop this empty feeling in my heart and knot of dread in the pit of my stomach.

I'm between denial and anger. I pray to anybody up in the skies listening. Please...PLEASE let him be okay.

If he never returns....please let him be in a good home with people that love him and are kind to him. Let him stay warm and comfortable and live long and happy and have plenty of milkbones and tennis balls.

I have to stop. My eyes are wtering so much it makes it hard to see. I'm offering a hundred dollar reward for his return, but I am not optimistic. God, I know I'm contrary and difficult. And I question everything and don't try enough, but please be kind to this wicked sinner even if she doesn't deserve it. I will.....no. No empty promises I won't remember. Please help him. Please let them b good to him. Please. From the bottom of my heart of hearts.


- meow

Location:Home

Severus and other Flawed characters

Im re-reading Bree Despain "The Dark Divine" and I had a bit of a revelation. I hate perfect people. Grrrrr. The character Grace is so "good" she's stupid. Never questioning her parents, doing things people tell her to do. Not pushing?

I guess I don't like it cuz I can't relate. I like flawed characters. I like the thought of redemption and correcting mistakes. I guess it's cuz I'm flawed and like to believe in salvation.

Perfect Grace is so damn annoying. If my fam sent me away an my pseudo bro disappeared, I wouldn't meekly leave, return and go back to normal. WTF?! I'd go Nancy Drew on their asses. Grace can't even lie to her parents. Her bro gets all wierd, her pseudo bro disappears and she returns to life as usual?

She didn't deserve Daniel.

I'm frustrated. I have to go cuz I have to stop this stupid audio book. It's pissing me off.

Location:Home...reading

10 years...Holy Cow

Day off and listening to Snapecast, which I haven't listened to in about a year.... Its their 4-yr anniversary and as they reminisce, so do I.

2007 sounds like it was so long ago. So long ago. Nostalgia.... Thanks to my crack-head co-workers, Im a Facebook fiend and update like crazy. Since I've been using it for a few months, recently, I had a lot of high school friends adding and requesting me. I think I kinda freaked. not because I didn't want to talk to these people or anything, but it just brought so much to the forefront.

Next year...(in a few months) will make 10 years since graduation. What the hell happened in all these years?

Its like i was so caught up w my own life and experiences and got some tunnel vision and before I know it, its about to be time for the reunion. wow.

I think I kind of got a little panic attack when I start thinking about it. Am I going to go next year? I used to say Hell No. Now that I actually started chatting with some of the HS crowd on FB, it might not be so bad.

Time needs to stop. now.

Oh yeah...side note...went to Magic 2weeks ago w my Baby Daddy, Alex, and Milti and ended up passing out from heat stroke.....LMAO. Never thought I would be one of those people. My poor boys. I kinda killed the mood. In my defense, it was so hot the burn on my hand that was already a week old, started bubbling just from standing in line. it was 90+. Looking forward to making it up, at least to my Baby Daddy by going to see Phantom of The Opera in 10 days and will enjoy Oktoberfest this sat!!!

Poems for my life esp about my love life

"If little by little. You stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
You forget me
Do not look for me
For I shall already have forgotten you.

But
If each day, each hour,
You feel that you are destined for me
With impecable sweetness,
If each day a flower
Climbs up to your lips to seek me,
Ah my love, ah my own,
In me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
My love feeds on your love, beloved,
And as long as you live it will be in your arms
Without leaving mine"

- If you Forget Me by Pablo Naruto

"In the desert
I saw a creature, naked, bestial,
Who, squatting upon the ground,
Held his heart in his hands,
And ate of it.
I said: 'Is it good, friend?'
'It is bitter-bitter,' he answered;
'But I like it
Because it is bitter,
And because it is my heart.'"

-In the Desert by Stephen Crane




- Meow

Getting old and perspectives

I know I'm getting old when I check out a cute guy and my eyes scroll to his left hand and look for a wedding ring.

I'm laying in bed watching Alaska State Troopers and Its struck an attraction w rugged law men. Hmm...I think tonight is a romance novel night. Hahaha! I crack myself up.


- Meow

BBQs, birfdays, and being hungover

Confused again. H came in and came around a couple of times but I couldn't acknowledge him because I was so busy, but as I finally made my way to the back, I bumped into him and he gave me this look.

Being me, I punched him on his arm and said Happy Belated.

He nodded and said he wasbwaiting to see how long it would take me. That he'd been coming around me and I didn't say anything.

I punched him again. And wished him another Happy Birthday.

Why is he even conceded if I remember? I'm tired and cranky and I'm so hungover and ready to knock out. Something else to bug me and pick at the back of my mind

- Meow

To forget

So to keep busy today was a GOOD day. Started off w some Little Tokyo and D-licious OROCHON and then went shopping and ended the night with baby daddy, his bro and cunada @a random bar for lezbian night for bro's coworker's girlfriends bday! Fan-freaking-tabulous. I'm going to be hella hung over tomorrow morning for


work, but in a good way


- Meow

Birthdays

So in less than 45 is H bday :( Although we talk (as friendly aquaintences) I member his bday. Twenty five. The age I became when we were together. I wish him well, I just wish I didn't remeber or care. Maybe next year. Btw, I'm not as excited about my looming bday....twenty seven is old. Boo


- Meow

Friends

So yesterday was an emotional day....and I'm not even hormonal ne more. J offered to loan me the monies needed to cover my family. Made me start crying.

L made me cry the other day. He went off bout H and made me cry too. I think I scurred him. It was just the straw that broke the camels back and I broke down.

L's been understanding and nice, in fact all my boys have been, even H, who's been stopping by to tell me lame jokes he knows I love to make me laugh.

Le sigh. My friends have really come together to help me be it emotionally, psychologically, or economically.

I sometimes worry that my IH-DA is getting more attached to me than he should. He text me the other day telling me he loved me. Lol. Joking around...he didn't even have to b drunk, he told me. Today he told me he appreciated me and was glad something brought us into each others path so we can meet cuz I'm funny and smart and pretty.

I laughed, like I know he meant me too, and my tummy did that little flip, but I dunno how I feel about myself right now, much less a guy.

I treasure him and his perspectives. I txt him when I dated the puppy! I hope nothing compromises our friendship.



- Meow

Parents as kids

We had to call the Hermano after talking to D, the realtor.

Hermano is letting the papas have it for fighting the way they do. This is the first time in 3 years we r all in the same house together and talking.

Maybe this forclosure scare is like C says and is like another finger thing. Blessing in disguise

Gotta run Hermano is pretty upset.


- Meow

Self mutilation

I guess I'm just a glutton for punishment.

I knew I shouldn't have gone to his facebook, but it was like a slow-moe car accident. You see it coming, and u know u should move, but u don't.

I saw his, and his girlfriends. Fucking want to crawl in a hole and die.

Why do I build up what we had and who we were?

He was a dick. I was a bitch. We broke up. We r over. Let it die. I need to let it go.

Not like I don't have guys who hover and r attracted and want me. No, I don't like those guys. I like to fixate on the assholes.

But as much as it hurt, I needed it.

It is much better to wrap myself in righteous anger than it is to wallow in self pity.

Like my new roll dog, Lu said..."get over it"

Time to nut up, or shut up.

- Meow

My mothers daughter

My mother is slowly losing her mind. She forgets things to the point where it affects the mundane.

I've been studying psychology for years and no one ever impacted to me that pearl of wisdom.

It's our fault. She forgets where she goes and how she gets places, how then am I...are we expecting her to manage the finances?

She started crying today. She says she knows it's her fault because she sometimes forgets payment.

It is not her fault. It's our fault. It's my fault for not seeing.

Because of my ignorance and incompetence, we our drowning in debt and might lose our home.

Why did we leave that burden on one person. Much less someone who has depression, anxiety, and possible memory issues?

It is all of our faults. The children included. We are adults now. We must take more responsibility.

I grow tired of crying so much.

- Meow

Candles and voyeurs

I am a voyeur in this world. I am now convinced that I've come into it only to observe.

I see people pictures, I read peoples lives and I do nothing. I am nothing special to no one.

How would the world be if my light was snuffed out? Mom and dad would miss me, maybe also LB.......the end.

I was someones world once, I like to think. He was also mine. I never felt more loved. Ever. I miss him. I still love him. But our time passed and he's moved on.

Gawd, I wish there was a stronger wind and this stupid candle would just go the f@ck off. Instead, the wind comes and goes and I flicker, burning myself to nothingness. The fat drops of wax that race down my disapearing taper, the silent tears that roll down my fat cheek. One day, the many rivulets of wax will over run the candle and put the poor smothered flame out of it's misery.

Does this make this the day that darkness prevails?

- Meow

Location:Bed after an interesting Hormonal Day and talk w Lu

Real life is a bitch

This morning, my mom had the worst and most horrible break down I have ever seen. I rarely have seen my mother cry and for her to come to my room bawling and ranting how she's sorry and she let everyone down, scared me more than words can describe.

I had to grab her head in both my hands and force her to look me in the eyes as I tried to reassure her everything would be okay.

I hated it. I couldn't break down because she was already having an anxiety attack.

I've never hurt so much in my life.

- Meow

The Black Hole

okay, so I found the black hole again. I swear I deserve some sort of Nobel Prize. I double, triple checked everything and still cant find my book. Lets rewind a little.

. I

I've been feeling pretty bummy lately. (quelle surprise) I decided a little shop therapy was in order, so I went to borders and spent close to $80 on books. Who says you can't buy happy? I devoured the first two and read them in as many days. (The Dark Divine and Hush Hush) Well, I started the third one and although just as great, this one hit a little more close to home in a lot of different ways. (I relate WAY too much with the heroine) Normally, this is a good thing, but she's bi polar, socio and all kinds of crazy. I don't know what that says about me. NE ways, it was a little disturbing to relate so much so I've been taking it in intervals.

Today, since I close at work, I dedicated most of my morning to it. It was great. Im maybe a third into the book and the action is pretty good. I was all comfy on the sofa downstairs and decided I was going to continue in bed. Well since I'm on the restricted diet and have to eat every 2 hrs (more on that later) and have been drinking TONS of tea. I had to pee, I had to get my earphones from the car and I had to cram 2 bananas down. (I freaking HATE bananas) It wasn't done in that particular order, but those are the things I did b4 I went upstairs to my room. I put the earphones in my ipod and danced around listening to a few songs when I finally decided a bath and the book would be a good idea. The only problem was, by this point, the book is nowhere to be found.

I retraced all my steps. I have turned things over and inside out and it finally drove me to clean my room! still, no book. Now I'm royally annoyed. It was getting really good! So here I am 3 hrs later, sweaty from cleaning, dirty (cuz I didn't get my bath) and still have no clue where it went. I think I found that black hole again. I called BBK up and told her.

Years ago, the first time we metroed it downtown to the (awesome) public library, we got a little lost. The library is 2 blocks from the PKNG station. I don't know what the heck happened but instead of reaching it in 10 min from the east, we walked around downtown for like an hour and came at it down a bazillion steps from the south side. We still dont know what happened. We are resigned to the fact that we found a tear in the space time continuum.

It looks like I found that tear again. So dang annoying. I couldn't even bring myself to start the last book because I am still so upset about this book.

To be fair, I HAVE been losing TONS of stuff little by little over the last 6-8 months. Never anything huge, and never a lot at a time, but my necklace, my earings (the pretty purple ones) my saphires, my watch, my skinny jeans, my sweaters.....What the heck is going on?

We will see what happens

dreams

I woke up again and its like the 7th day straight that I wake up after dreaming about H. I wonder how long this is going to take and when I'm going to stop. I don't remember the details, I never do, all I know is that I wake up feeling sad. After two years I didn't think I would be missing him so much.

It doesn't help I suppose that I upset my BD. I was such a bitch. I invited him to dinner and he said he already had plans for sat but he suggested sunday and In my typical waspish fashion, I said no thanks, I forgot how I had to schedule w him a week in advanced. Now he's not talking to me. Grr. I asked for it.

Apathy again

I think its getting worse. Today at work I felt the tears well up. I was this close to bawling. I am so glad that I have that doctors appointment for weds. **mega sigh**

I started crying on the way home and as soon as I got into my room I wanted to put on pajamas, crawl under the covers and just sleep.

Everyone has a bad day, but these bad days keep piling up. I can feel the apathy slowly trudge its way all over my body. I keep thinking of the cutting. I want to spend all day in bed. I hate this feeling.

Heartbreak all over again

Here I am at a crossroads in my life with major decisions needing to be made and I cant seem to take off the jammies and find the will to do anything but continue to sit here and drink tea as I watch Will & Grace.

VDay just passed and it broke my heart this year. Nothing from no one except for a revelation from God that knocked me on my ass. I'm still in love with the H.

God does this suck. It's been two years now since our disasterous break up and I would have sworn I was over it. Really, I was. I was happier without him. I don't need him. He drank too much, he used to get violent, he was crude and rude and had no education or prospects.....

and I Love him. And not that puppy high school or sad pity no one is going to love me again kind of love, but REAL LOVE. Like, I don't think I will ever feel as much for anyone ever again. It hurts. a lot. It's that vacant feeling in my chest. That horrible pang that literaly feels like a clenching hand on my heart.

I came to this realization while watching In The Valley of The Wolves on pbs. (btw, a great documentary following the largest pack of wolves in the American northwest, the Druids, for a span of 3 years.) NEways, a new pack takes over and is lording over the coyotes and kills the male coyote. It actually made me cry. Coyotes mate for life. The female coyote was howling so sad because she lost her mate. It made me start thinking about my own feelings and I came to the conclusion that he was my mate.

I would never ever in a million years have picked him for myself. He's boorish and a bastard and he MADE ME CRY! In front of others, like a three year old, he made me cry. It was horrible. I didn't think love would be so painful.

I remember one time while we were having the discussion of our family members having the same names and how weird it was. My name being the same as his sisters, his younger sister's name the same as my mom, his name the same as my uncle.... I remember him saying that we must have known each other in a past life. We spent a few minutes talking about how people must be switched around and in our past lives were siblings or a married couple and we laughed hoping not parent and child..eeewww! He kept caressing my hand, never quite holding it, because we only held hands once, but like he couldn't not touch it.

Those are the memories I treasure. I know he was the biggest ass ever, but he was also sweet and wonderful and I STILL love him.

I can't forgive him and I don't trust him and I don't see us getting back together (and oh yeah, he doesn't love me) so I think I was better off without the realization. Ignorance is bliss.

now I am stuck loving a guy I hate, knowing I love him and its the worst thing ever. My heart hurts like we broke up all over again.

I'm going back to Will & Grace now.