Real life is a bitch

This morning, my mom had the worst and most horrible break down I have ever seen. I rarely have seen my mother cry and for her to come to my room bawling and ranting how she's sorry and she let everyone down, scared me more than words can describe.

I had to grab her head in both my hands and force her to look me in the eyes as I tried to reassure her everything would be okay.

I hated it. I couldn't break down because she was already having an anxiety attack.

I've never hurt so much in my life.

- Meow

The Black Hole

okay, so I found the black hole again. I swear I deserve some sort of Nobel Prize. I double, triple checked everything and still cant find my book. Lets rewind a little.

. I

I've been feeling pretty bummy lately. (quelle surprise) I decided a little shop therapy was in order, so I went to borders and spent close to $80 on books. Who says you can't buy happy? I devoured the first two and read them in as many days. (The Dark Divine and Hush Hush) Well, I started the third one and although just as great, this one hit a little more close to home in a lot of different ways. (I relate WAY too much with the heroine) Normally, this is a good thing, but she's bi polar, socio and all kinds of crazy. I don't know what that says about me. NE ways, it was a little disturbing to relate so much so I've been taking it in intervals.

Today, since I close at work, I dedicated most of my morning to it. It was great. Im maybe a third into the book and the action is pretty good. I was all comfy on the sofa downstairs and decided I was going to continue in bed. Well since I'm on the restricted diet and have to eat every 2 hrs (more on that later) and have been drinking TONS of tea. I had to pee, I had to get my earphones from the car and I had to cram 2 bananas down. (I freaking HATE bananas) It wasn't done in that particular order, but those are the things I did b4 I went upstairs to my room. I put the earphones in my ipod and danced around listening to a few songs when I finally decided a bath and the book would be a good idea. The only problem was, by this point, the book is nowhere to be found.

I retraced all my steps. I have turned things over and inside out and it finally drove me to clean my room! still, no book. Now I'm royally annoyed. It was getting really good! So here I am 3 hrs later, sweaty from cleaning, dirty (cuz I didn't get my bath) and still have no clue where it went. I think I found that black hole again. I called BBK up and told her.

Years ago, the first time we metroed it downtown to the (awesome) public library, we got a little lost. The library is 2 blocks from the PKNG station. I don't know what the heck happened but instead of reaching it in 10 min from the east, we walked around downtown for like an hour and came at it down a bazillion steps from the south side. We still dont know what happened. We are resigned to the fact that we found a tear in the space time continuum.

It looks like I found that tear again. So dang annoying. I couldn't even bring myself to start the last book because I am still so upset about this book.

To be fair, I HAVE been losing TONS of stuff little by little over the last 6-8 months. Never anything huge, and never a lot at a time, but my necklace, my earings (the pretty purple ones) my saphires, my watch, my skinny jeans, my sweaters.....What the heck is going on?

We will see what happens

dreams

I woke up again and its like the 7th day straight that I wake up after dreaming about H. I wonder how long this is going to take and when I'm going to stop. I don't remember the details, I never do, all I know is that I wake up feeling sad. After two years I didn't think I would be missing him so much.

It doesn't help I suppose that I upset my BD. I was such a bitch. I invited him to dinner and he said he already had plans for sat but he suggested sunday and In my typical waspish fashion, I said no thanks, I forgot how I had to schedule w him a week in advanced. Now he's not talking to me. Grr. I asked for it.

Apathy again

I think its getting worse. Today at work I felt the tears well up. I was this close to bawling. I am so glad that I have that doctors appointment for weds. **mega sigh**

I started crying on the way home and as soon as I got into my room I wanted to put on pajamas, crawl under the covers and just sleep.

Everyone has a bad day, but these bad days keep piling up. I can feel the apathy slowly trudge its way all over my body. I keep thinking of the cutting. I want to spend all day in bed. I hate this feeling.

Heartbreak all over again

Here I am at a crossroads in my life with major decisions needing to be made and I cant seem to take off the jammies and find the will to do anything but continue to sit here and drink tea as I watch Will & Grace.

VDay just passed and it broke my heart this year. Nothing from no one except for a revelation from God that knocked me on my ass. I'm still in love with the H.

God does this suck. It's been two years now since our disasterous break up and I would have sworn I was over it. Really, I was. I was happier without him. I don't need him. He drank too much, he used to get violent, he was crude and rude and had no education or prospects.....

and I Love him. And not that puppy high school or sad pity no one is going to love me again kind of love, but REAL LOVE. Like, I don't think I will ever feel as much for anyone ever again. It hurts. a lot. It's that vacant feeling in my chest. That horrible pang that literaly feels like a clenching hand on my heart.

I came to this realization while watching In The Valley of The Wolves on pbs. (btw, a great documentary following the largest pack of wolves in the American northwest, the Druids, for a span of 3 years.) NEways, a new pack takes over and is lording over the coyotes and kills the male coyote. It actually made me cry. Coyotes mate for life. The female coyote was howling so sad because she lost her mate. It made me start thinking about my own feelings and I came to the conclusion that he was my mate.

I would never ever in a million years have picked him for myself. He's boorish and a bastard and he MADE ME CRY! In front of others, like a three year old, he made me cry. It was horrible. I didn't think love would be so painful.

I remember one time while we were having the discussion of our family members having the same names and how weird it was. My name being the same as his sisters, his younger sister's name the same as my mom, his name the same as my uncle.... I remember him saying that we must have known each other in a past life. We spent a few minutes talking about how people must be switched around and in our past lives were siblings or a married couple and we laughed hoping not parent and child..eeewww! He kept caressing my hand, never quite holding it, because we only held hands once, but like he couldn't not touch it.

Those are the memories I treasure. I know he was the biggest ass ever, but he was also sweet and wonderful and I STILL love him.

I can't forgive him and I don't trust him and I don't see us getting back together (and oh yeah, he doesn't love me) so I think I was better off without the realization. Ignorance is bliss.

now I am stuck loving a guy I hate, knowing I love him and its the worst thing ever. My heart hurts like we broke up all over again.

I'm going back to Will & Grace now.

Uncomfortable

So been hanging out at the guys house more and more. The Hips thing still kinda bugs me every now and then (like the fact that BBK has yet to retire in her own abode) but what is bugging me the most right now is how Nibs seems to be incredibly uncomfortable around me.

Back when we worked together, we used tohave a very easygoing kind of friendship. We used to relate just fine. Heck, even after the whole, I-like-you-you-dont-like-me fiasco thing. That tale, probably deserves its own blog, BTW!!!

I will give a quick surmise. I really REALLY had it bad for him. I don't know why or how it happened, but I had never been so in tune or attracted to someone as I was with him. I thought he liked me too. I was almost sure of it. I did, what i had never done before, I told him.

Arg, it was so frustrating. I was so mad and upset because i didn't even realize when it happened. All I knew, was that apparantly, overnight, I was butt crazy head over-heels for him and that pissed me off to no end.

I ended up getting so fed up I had to tell, if only to get it off my chest. To my gtear annoyance, his answer was "Thanks, but no thanks"

mega ouchie. I had never done anything like that before and it took all the courage I could muster and wam. againt fail.

anyway...

Hormones and thoughts...

Have you ever laughed? Have you ever smiled and enjoyed? You know that true happiness and shine that makes your eyes sparkle?

I was sitting here watching Cold Case and there was Tinkerbelle, A flamboyant drag queen. He was an older man, ol' timmer. Nice salt and pepper hair and crease lines on his weathered face. And he ws smiling. He was sitting there telling people he was beat up for being who he was and he was smiling with his eyes.

He said that he was going to be a cheerleader for a team baseball team and his happiness made even cynical homicide cops get that deep down happiness that you loose when you stop being a child.

It makes me wonder if as a race, we hate others who have what we can't. I wonder if we hate because others, who we think have it worse and should have it worse, are happier with themselves and with life in general and it makes us subconsiously angry, because we feel like failures. failures at life.

Isn't that the saddest thing you ever heard? That we would envy someone for not having it more difficult than us. Just because in our hypocritical minds we think they SHOULD have it worse. Isn't it just like human nature to hate someone for being happy when we aren't?

I really don't think its conscious. If most people knew what they were doing and why, I think they would be disgusted with themselves, because they are good people. Call me romantic, but i've said it before and will say it again: Tabula Rasa.

No, i think it's one of those hidden demons we all keep silent and pretend doesn't exist. until it does.