Heartbreak all over again

Here I am at a crossroads in my life with major decisions needing to be made and I cant seem to take off the jammies and find the will to do anything but continue to sit here and drink tea as I watch Will & Grace.

VDay just passed and it broke my heart this year. Nothing from no one except for a revelation from God that knocked me on my ass. I'm still in love with the H.

God does this suck. It's been two years now since our disasterous break up and I would have sworn I was over it. Really, I was. I was happier without him. I don't need him. He drank too much, he used to get violent, he was crude and rude and had no education or prospects.....

and I Love him. And not that puppy high school or sad pity no one is going to love me again kind of love, but REAL LOVE. Like, I don't think I will ever feel as much for anyone ever again. It hurts. a lot. It's that vacant feeling in my chest. That horrible pang that literaly feels like a clenching hand on my heart.

I came to this realization while watching In The Valley of The Wolves on pbs. (btw, a great documentary following the largest pack of wolves in the American northwest, the Druids, for a span of 3 years.) NEways, a new pack takes over and is lording over the coyotes and kills the male coyote. It actually made me cry. Coyotes mate for life. The female coyote was howling so sad because she lost her mate. It made me start thinking about my own feelings and I came to the conclusion that he was my mate.

I would never ever in a million years have picked him for myself. He's boorish and a bastard and he MADE ME CRY! In front of others, like a three year old, he made me cry. It was horrible. I didn't think love would be so painful.

I remember one time while we were having the discussion of our family members having the same names and how weird it was. My name being the same as his sisters, his younger sister's name the same as my mom, his name the same as my uncle.... I remember him saying that we must have known each other in a past life. We spent a few minutes talking about how people must be switched around and in our past lives were siblings or a married couple and we laughed hoping not parent and child..eeewww! He kept caressing my hand, never quite holding it, because we only held hands once, but like he couldn't not touch it.

Those are the memories I treasure. I know he was the biggest ass ever, but he was also sweet and wonderful and I STILL love him.

I can't forgive him and I don't trust him and I don't see us getting back together (and oh yeah, he doesn't love me) so I think I was better off without the realization. Ignorance is bliss.

now I am stuck loving a guy I hate, knowing I love him and its the worst thing ever. My heart hurts like we broke up all over again.

I'm going back to Will & Grace now.

I miss Lateral Gravity Syndrome

Classes started up again. I think I can do the whole 21 units and 25hr week job, social life, friends, and gym kinda okay, but you throw in the whole I-have-to-drive-Umy-to-wrk-at-LAX EVERY morning at 6am from mon to fri, and Im starting to wonder if I might have over-done it.

This is why you should never do anything important when you are emotionally distraught! (which, BTW, I very definately was). I've been going through a sick and twisted break up that is extending WAY longer than it has any right to. We have been breaking up for something like 10 months. I know. Believe me, I know!...Its complicated.

NEways. I was going to be a HORRIBLE b*tch and screw him over, but my conscience kicked in. stupid conscience.

I have to explain the nature of our stupid relationship. We are more alike than we want to admit. We are both passionate and stubborn and creatures of extremes. We either Love u/Hate u/or are indifferent. Because we were together and we got attached and then hurt, although we are TRYING to reach indifferent...we usually are stuck in Love u or Hate u mode. Not healthy.

i might get into details about the Hobbit and i later. For now, we weren't on speaking terms. Since the whole new Years thing! (he told Poodle something he SWORE to me he wouldn't) Of course I blame myself as well. I was stupid enough to trust him (The fact that he um....oh yeah, CHEATED on me was forgotten, I guess) When I say we weren't good, I mean we were BAD. We get to the point where we ignore each others existance, can't stand to be in the same room w each other, and out of sheer spite try to hurt each other by being petty and stupid.

The point is that we were ignoring each other for almost two weeks (he did make the Bear cry!) and out of the Blue texts me last night, as follows:

I need my copy of Fight Club back, please

Its very important to me and I would appreciate it

if you took it to work with you the next time u go.

When I read it...(after I saw that the sender was Hobbit Boy) I couldn't help but laugh! See, what had happened was.....

A long, long, time ago (longer now than it seemed then), Hobbit lent me his favorite book of all time. its an autographed copy of Fight Club. He really wanted me to read it. This is when we were still dating, of course. I had borrowed books from him before and it was no big deal. In fact, it was kind of sweet that he wanted to share something so special to him with me. I started reading it, but never found the time to finish it. I like the movie, but Chuck Whats-his-face, the author, has a very distinct flavor that I didn't particularly warm to. To this day, I don't understand why he loves him so much.

NEways, I would spend so much time with him, Happy feet and the Flea, I never really even had time to read the book. (this was when I practically lived with them) Happy Feet would always tell me he was going to start charging me rent. LOL!

TBC.....Little Bear just got home. She told me she broke her bed! this i have to go see. Oh, and we have to quick status clean her room cuz the hippie is stopping by after work to fix our network smthng-or-other.