I'm ready to trade in this body...

That wretched pain I've come to know and hate is back. Tonight it was slightly sharper and very sudden. I nearly bowed over from it. It scared the living daylights out of my sister and brother who thought I was having some sort of heart attack.

I am finally fed up w it and would like nothing more than to get rid of it, but I still have to wait one more month before my health benefits kick in. I think meanwhile, I'll just roll over and die, thank you very much.

What pain am I blabbing on about, well, about a year ago, I started getting these really sharp almost stabbing pains in my chest that make it hard to breath. Doing some online research I've found other people who get this pain. Its mid sternum and a little towards the right, under my rib cage. Very localized. Online I've narrowed it down to a few possibilities. It can either be

1) gas buildup in my ribcage (which would be the easiest to solve by getting up and moving around) but it happens quite frequently and it makes moving around  quite painful.

2)  Costochondritis, inflamed cartilage that connects a rib to the breastbone or sternum, which causes sharp pain in the costosternal joint.

or

 3) a collapsed lung. My lung could be punctured or I could have an elevated or depressed rib and air can be leaking out.

I do cough up a little blood sometimes, so I don't know if its related. Certainly the 9 years of smoking didn't help. In any case, March cannot come fast enough. this pain is something horrid. Right now, its been almost an hour and a half and the pain has finally dissipated  enough to more my back area in the same spot.  A few more deep breaths, and I should be okay to lay down and go to bed.

heres something to think about: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/chest-pain/DS00016/DSECTION=causes

Heartbreak all over again

Here I am at a crossroads in my life with major decisions needing to be made and I cant seem to take off the jammies and find the will to do anything but continue to sit here and drink tea as I watch Will & Grace.

VDay just passed and it broke my heart this year. Nothing from no one except for a revelation from God that knocked me on my ass. I'm still in love with the H.

God does this suck. It's been two years now since our disasterous break up and I would have sworn I was over it. Really, I was. I was happier without him. I don't need him. He drank too much, he used to get violent, he was crude and rude and had no education or prospects.....

and I Love him. And not that puppy high school or sad pity no one is going to love me again kind of love, but REAL LOVE. Like, I don't think I will ever feel as much for anyone ever again. It hurts. a lot. It's that vacant feeling in my chest. That horrible pang that literaly feels like a clenching hand on my heart.

I came to this realization while watching In The Valley of The Wolves on pbs. (btw, a great documentary following the largest pack of wolves in the American northwest, the Druids, for a span of 3 years.) NEways, a new pack takes over and is lording over the coyotes and kills the male coyote. It actually made me cry. Coyotes mate for life. The female coyote was howling so sad because she lost her mate. It made me start thinking about my own feelings and I came to the conclusion that he was my mate.

I would never ever in a million years have picked him for myself. He's boorish and a bastard and he MADE ME CRY! In front of others, like a three year old, he made me cry. It was horrible. I didn't think love would be so painful.

I remember one time while we were having the discussion of our family members having the same names and how weird it was. My name being the same as his sisters, his younger sister's name the same as my mom, his name the same as my uncle.... I remember him saying that we must have known each other in a past life. We spent a few minutes talking about how people must be switched around and in our past lives were siblings or a married couple and we laughed hoping not parent and child..eeewww! He kept caressing my hand, never quite holding it, because we only held hands once, but like he couldn't not touch it.

Those are the memories I treasure. I know he was the biggest ass ever, but he was also sweet and wonderful and I STILL love him.

I can't forgive him and I don't trust him and I don't see us getting back together (and oh yeah, he doesn't love me) so I think I was better off without the realization. Ignorance is bliss.

now I am stuck loving a guy I hate, knowing I love him and its the worst thing ever. My heart hurts like we broke up all over again.

I'm going back to Will & Grace now.