Friends

So yesterday was an emotional day....and I'm not even hormonal ne more. J offered to loan me the monies needed to cover my family. Made me start crying.

L made me cry the other day. He went off bout H and made me cry too. I think I scurred him. It was just the straw that broke the camels back and I broke down.

L's been understanding and nice, in fact all my boys have been, even H, who's been stopping by to tell me lame jokes he knows I love to make me laugh.

Le sigh. My friends have really come together to help me be it emotionally, psychologically, or economically.

I sometimes worry that my IH-DA is getting more attached to me than he should. He text me the other day telling me he loved me. Lol. Joking around...he didn't even have to b drunk, he told me. Today he told me he appreciated me and was glad something brought us into each others path so we can meet cuz I'm funny and smart and pretty.

I laughed, like I know he meant me too, and my tummy did that little flip, but I dunno how I feel about myself right now, much less a guy.

I treasure him and his perspectives. I txt him when I dated the puppy! I hope nothing compromises our friendship.



- Meow

Parents as kids

We had to call the Hermano after talking to D, the realtor.

Hermano is letting the papas have it for fighting the way they do. This is the first time in 3 years we r all in the same house together and talking.

Maybe this forclosure scare is like C says and is like another finger thing. Blessing in disguise

Gotta run Hermano is pretty upset.


- Meow

Self mutilation

I guess I'm just a glutton for punishment.

I knew I shouldn't have gone to his facebook, but it was like a slow-moe car accident. You see it coming, and u know u should move, but u don't.

I saw his, and his girlfriends. Fucking want to crawl in a hole and die.

Why do I build up what we had and who we were?

He was a dick. I was a bitch. We broke up. We r over. Let it die. I need to let it go.

Not like I don't have guys who hover and r attracted and want me. No, I don't like those guys. I like to fixate on the assholes.

But as much as it hurt, I needed it.

It is much better to wrap myself in righteous anger than it is to wallow in self pity.

Like my new roll dog, Lu said..."get over it"

Time to nut up, or shut up.

- Meow

My mothers daughter

My mother is slowly losing her mind. She forgets things to the point where it affects the mundane.

I've been studying psychology for years and no one ever impacted to me that pearl of wisdom.

It's our fault. She forgets where she goes and how she gets places, how then am I...are we expecting her to manage the finances?

She started crying today. She says she knows it's her fault because she sometimes forgets payment.

It is not her fault. It's our fault. It's my fault for not seeing.

Because of my ignorance and incompetence, we our drowning in debt and might lose our home.

Why did we leave that burden on one person. Much less someone who has depression, anxiety, and possible memory issues?

It is all of our faults. The children included. We are adults now. We must take more responsibility.

I grow tired of crying so much.

- Meow

Candles and voyeurs

I am a voyeur in this world. I am now convinced that I've come into it only to observe.

I see people pictures, I read peoples lives and I do nothing. I am nothing special to no one.

How would the world be if my light was snuffed out? Mom and dad would miss me, maybe also LB.......the end.

I was someones world once, I like to think. He was also mine. I never felt more loved. Ever. I miss him. I still love him. But our time passed and he's moved on.

Gawd, I wish there was a stronger wind and this stupid candle would just go the f@ck off. Instead, the wind comes and goes and I flicker, burning myself to nothingness. The fat drops of wax that race down my disapearing taper, the silent tears that roll down my fat cheek. One day, the many rivulets of wax will over run the candle and put the poor smothered flame out of it's misery.

Does this make this the day that darkness prevails?

- Meow

Location:Bed after an interesting Hormonal Day and talk w Lu

Real life is a bitch

This morning, my mom had the worst and most horrible break down I have ever seen. I rarely have seen my mother cry and for her to come to my room bawling and ranting how she's sorry and she let everyone down, scared me more than words can describe.

I had to grab her head in both my hands and force her to look me in the eyes as I tried to reassure her everything would be okay.

I hated it. I couldn't break down because she was already having an anxiety attack.

I've never hurt so much in my life.

- Meow

The Black Hole

okay, so I found the black hole again. I swear I deserve some sort of Nobel Prize. I double, triple checked everything and still cant find my book. Lets rewind a little.

. I

I've been feeling pretty bummy lately. (quelle surprise) I decided a little shop therapy was in order, so I went to borders and spent close to $80 on books. Who says you can't buy happy? I devoured the first two and read them in as many days. (The Dark Divine and Hush Hush) Well, I started the third one and although just as great, this one hit a little more close to home in a lot of different ways. (I relate WAY too much with the heroine) Normally, this is a good thing, but she's bi polar, socio and all kinds of crazy. I don't know what that says about me. NE ways, it was a little disturbing to relate so much so I've been taking it in intervals.

Today, since I close at work, I dedicated most of my morning to it. It was great. Im maybe a third into the book and the action is pretty good. I was all comfy on the sofa downstairs and decided I was going to continue in bed. Well since I'm on the restricted diet and have to eat every 2 hrs (more on that later) and have been drinking TONS of tea. I had to pee, I had to get my earphones from the car and I had to cram 2 bananas down. (I freaking HATE bananas) It wasn't done in that particular order, but those are the things I did b4 I went upstairs to my room. I put the earphones in my ipod and danced around listening to a few songs when I finally decided a bath and the book would be a good idea. The only problem was, by this point, the book is nowhere to be found.

I retraced all my steps. I have turned things over and inside out and it finally drove me to clean my room! still, no book. Now I'm royally annoyed. It was getting really good! So here I am 3 hrs later, sweaty from cleaning, dirty (cuz I didn't get my bath) and still have no clue where it went. I think I found that black hole again. I called BBK up and told her.

Years ago, the first time we metroed it downtown to the (awesome) public library, we got a little lost. The library is 2 blocks from the PKNG station. I don't know what the heck happened but instead of reaching it in 10 min from the east, we walked around downtown for like an hour and came at it down a bazillion steps from the south side. We still dont know what happened. We are resigned to the fact that we found a tear in the space time continuum.

It looks like I found that tear again. So dang annoying. I couldn't even bring myself to start the last book because I am still so upset about this book.

To be fair, I HAVE been losing TONS of stuff little by little over the last 6-8 months. Never anything huge, and never a lot at a time, but my necklace, my earings (the pretty purple ones) my saphires, my watch, my skinny jeans, my sweaters.....What the heck is going on?

We will see what happens